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Book 7.1- 



■t-HE 

YOUNG WIDOW; 

on, 

A tUSSOIV won I.O¥EIiS 

A POPULAR FARCE, 
BY THOMAS P.. RODVVELL, EStt. 



fRINTKD rtlOM THE ACTING COPY, 

\vuit a Description of the Costume, Cast of Characters, snd tftt 
wiiole of the Stflge Business, 

AS NOW PERFORMED IV THE 

LONDON AND AMERICAN THEATRES* 

n. I ■ rf.tl., -■ ( ' -- -. lit 

PHILADELPHIA: 

PUBLISHED BV 

C. NEAL, No. 16 SOUTH SEVENTH STREET; 

SoW at all the principal Dramatic Repo'itoriea in the United States. 

PaiNTED BY TURNER & SON, 244 RACE ST. 



tA 



DHAMATIS PERSON.^. 
Philadelphia, 1833. 

Chestiut Street. Arch Street. 

Mandeville, Mr. Smith. Mr Murdock. 

Splash, Mi: Wemyss. Mr Thayer. 

Aurelia, Mrs Rowbotham. Mrs Stoner.- 

Xucj,', ............... . Mrs 'I hay er. Miss Fisher. 



COSTUME. 

MANDEVILLE— Black dress coat, white waiscoat, black 
breeches, silk stockings, shoes and buckles, cock'd hat, 

SPLASH. — First dress: Green coat, colored waistcoat' 
buff breeches, top boots, hat and coat trimmed with lace. — 
Second dress: Long embroided coat, figured waistcoat, white 
tights, dancing pumps. 

AURELIxA. — First dress : Pink satin, flowers, long gloves, 
kid shoes. — Second dress : Officer's uniform. 

LUCY. — White muslin frock, trimmed apron and cap. 



EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 

R. means iR;^//* ; L.Left; U.J). Right Door, L.D. Left 
Door- S.'E. Second Entrance ; U. E. Upper Entrance ; M. D. 
Middle Door. 



R. 



RELATIVE POSIT lOXS. 
R.C. C. L.C. 



L. 




OTAc Header is supposed to be on the Stage facing the 
Audience, 






THE YOFA^ lVIi>0\¥, 



SCENE I. — Aurellasapartrnput, elegantly furnhhed . Tivo 
dvors in the centre, one leading to a hcd-chamber R.. and the 
other to aji inner druuing-room, l. — A mask and an officer' siini- 
Jorm are seen lying on one of the chairs. 

Eater Lvcy from the bed-chamber, looking at the uniform, 
Lucy. So my mistress has made a pretty business of her 
last night's adventure ; in a fit of jealous curiosity, she fol- 
lows her lover to the masquerade in the disguise of a military 
officer, and there acts with so little discretion as to arouse his 
suspicions; he follows her home, and sees her enter her own 
house, — and of course will naturally conclude that he has dis- 
covered some more favoured rival paying his mistress a mid- 
night visit : what will be the consequences, heaven only 
knows. He appeared as if determined to take a most sum- 
mary vengeance, for directly after my mistress entered we 
beard a moLst dreadful thundering at the door. Fortunately 
the watch interfered, and saved us from his further annoy- 
ance, but no doubt he will be here presently. Ah, curiosity 
and jealously are the wort of passions, particularly in a fe- 
xoale ; well, thank my stars, 1 am free from both, I should 
very much like to know, thoughj what became of that Mr. 
Splash last night, when his master was out. 

{Noii<e heard witltout i,, as of seme one coming up stairs.^ 
Splash, [williont, h.] There, never mind, my dear, don't 
move the pail, I can step over it. 

[Xoiie without t,., as if he had slipt. 
Oh, curse it! I'm up to my knees in it! Confound it ! Why 
could'nt you keep your dishcloths out of the v/ay, when you 
*aw a gentlemen coming up! 

Enter iiPLMH, i., 

Lueu. Ah, Mr. Splash, have you had an acci.lent? 
Splash. Yes, trying to get up, without wetting the sole of 
my shoe, took too long a stride, slipped, and there was. poor 
.Air. Splash with His foot in a pail of watei i 



4 THE YOUNG WIDOW. 

Lvcy Ah, you always put your foot in every thing. 

HpuiJi. Come, that's vtiy tair of you, Lucy, but uoubtLss 
you ueie prei..a:ea tor it, lur when you heard"'tije paii go ever, 
ot course yiju tliou^iit tiifcre was feplasii upon tae slaiis. 
Come, tiiiit s ver;, lau ot mt toa. [auae. 

Lncij. by tiie Lye, i wonder you were not at the masque- 
riide last night, Aif. ;-p!ash. 

bjjluiii. iNo woiUier at all, Lucy: my master was there, 
but the Jact is, ma:>qutraaes have giown vulgar of late, ana / 
tlont patronize tnem any longer. 

Liuy. io say thetiutii, that was precisely my reason for 
liiy slaying away. 

:^plat,h. What a sympathy of feeling. I see we were de- 
signeti for each otiiei — ana since we are alone, tell me, Lucy, 
when will you make me the happiest of vaiCts 1 

Lucy. VV hy, Mr Splash, since you put the question to me, I 
believe 1 must he canuld, and iniorm ywu, that i iiavethougat 
seriously on the subject, ana, witnout meaning any otifence to 
you, iUriiplash, 1 really cannot think ot surrendering my liber- 
ty to any tiling unuer a butler. 

bpluih. (/lAUte.) Vv hat an ambitious toad it is. But consider, 
Lucy, 1 am but a vaiet it is t.ue ; but 1 have an excellent 
niastei , and to say tne truth, I have got a trifle in his service ; 
you, I believe, iiave got a triHe moie- -not that 1 am the least 
iiiteitsted ; {^unae,') though 1 hope it's something considerable. 

Lucy. Oh no, of course not ; {andti.) i'ra f;iad to hear, 
though, that he has befjn so pruuent. 

iiplaah. JNow, Lucy, with what ;i?ou've got, and with what^ 
J'vegot 

Lucy. True, we might retire into private life. 

l^ptash. Ves, and keep a public huuse tor instance. 

Lucy. VV iiy that aittrs the lace of affairs very iiiuch., 

bpiuih. There you know 1 shall be mixing the liquors, 
while you'ie uriiik.ing with tne company, and — 

Lucy, i diinking! 

i>/>uii/t. iSo, no; 1 mean you shall be mixing the liquors,, 
whhe i m uiinking with tUe company. 

Lucy, ihat i itiiiik vtjy piobable. 

SpUuh. We shall be sme to have plenty of customers, for 
how delightlul it will be to see a sweet tempered, chtyming 
looking girl like you, as full of spirits as your own brandy 
cask, on one side of the bar, loweiing the rum, and filling the 
pots half full of froth, whilst I, not less interesting and quite 



THE YOUNG WIDOW. 5 

as honestly employed in the otiier side in marking np my ac- 
compts with a double pointed chalk. 

Lucii, Oh! it will be delightful, indeed! ! 

Splash. You see. Lucy, 1 know how to run up a score, 

Lucy. I tiav'nt the least doubt of it. 

Spluih. Then give me your hand, Lucy, for [ see the affair's 
settled — 

Liicif. Why I believe Mr. Splash I must confess, that — 
that— 

Sjdiish (aside) The public-house carries it against the world. 
Then only let ine seal the bargain, Lucy, with a kiss and — 

Lncu. There you'll excuse me. These lips must not be 
touched by mortal man, till after the ceremony at least. 

Spt(i!>}i. Oh, what an amiable, virtuous little getter-up of 
small linen it is. But tell me, Lucy — 

Lucy. Say no more now ; I hear my najstress coming ; you 
must retire. 

Splash. Weil Lucy, till the evening again. But when you 
hear me whistling for you dt the area window, lion't fancy it's 
the call of an unwelcome inlruder, and fling a basin of dirty 
water out upon my head, but remember the public house and 
think of Splash. [Exit, l. 

Enter AfUELiA Si^from the Bed Chamber. 

l^ucif. VVtll madam, how do you find yourseli now 1 

Aurfl. Why, 1 am pretty well recovered from my fright 
Lucy; bull still feel the gicat^st anxitty about the conse- 
quences, for 1 am confident .\Janv,evlile saw me enter. 

l.ucy. But you are ctrtain madam, that he had no suspi- ^ 
cions of who you really were. 

A It ret. >i0t the least in the world ; of course, he took me 
for an officer, i heartily repent nie of my foily ; but 1 have 
discovered one thing by watching him at the masquerade . 

Lucy. And what was that, madam? 

Auret. V\hy, that lie s a very wicked creature; that he's 
not lialf so moiai as tie pret:nd.s to be. 

Lucy. 1 hen if 1 weie ycu, ma'am, I'd make a vow ne^;«r 
to open my lips again to him as long as 1 lived. 

Aurel. (wiih sharpne.-).^.) Indeed, ma'am 1 shall do no such 
thing! tint, for goodness' sake, Lujy, get tnat untonunate 
officer's hiiitorm out of the house : Alanueville is so very jeaL 
«u», and £o very eccentric, thijt 1 should not wonder if hq we<e 



6 THE VOUJS^G WIDOW. 

to insist upon searching every corner of the place, It'3 strange 
he has not been here — 1 shall tremble at the sight of him. I 
would confess the truth, but he is so strangely whimsical, that 
1 fear he would consider my litUe plot unbecoming the deli- 
cacy of a female, and 1 might lose him forever, iiut go this 
instant and take away that unlucky disguise. 
Lucy. 1 will, ma'am. 

[Justus Lucy, is o^oing off with the Officer^ Dress, l. a tre- 
mendous double knock is heard at the door. 

Aurel. Oh, preserve me! there he is, take the dress Luc^ 
into ray chamber, or you'll meet him on the stairs ; and while 
1 hold him in conversation, you find an opportunity of slip- 
ping out with it.. 

(I.i'CY reenters the Bed Chamber; Attrelia takes a book and 
seats herbflfusif she were readnig ; Mandeville, enters i. 
and looki suspiciously round; Auuelia pretends not to be 
conscious of his presence. 

Mand. [aside] All looks quiet at any rate. I see no signs 
of my mibitary spark. 

Aurel. [with great nuivette, as if just perceiving him.] Ah, 
Wandevilie. 

Maud, [with great coolness] W'ell, Madam! 

Aurel. [aside] Madam! u was he then. 1 must soften him; 
why you're not well, Mandeville. 

Mand. In most perfect health, madam. 

Aurel. [aside] Madam again. He's very bitter ; I mus'nt 
humor him so much — then, sir, what is the meaning of this 
coolness ? 

Mand. Perhaps ycu can guess, madam. 

Aurel. Suppose i piead ignorance and plainly ask you what 
this visit means 1 

Mand. i hen, madam, I as plainly answer, it meani this is 
to be the last visit you will be troubled with from Mandeville, 

Aurel. Then, sir, tliat 1 may not be indebted to you, 1 as 
plainly reply, that, since it is to be t'ae last, the siiorte;r it is 
made, the better 1 shall be pleased, [a^ide] Come, i think X 
was a match for him there. 

Mand. Very well, ma'am I shall nat intrude. 

Aurel. Well, sir, are you going ? (seats herself r. 

Mand. Yes, ma'am, don't be alarmed — I'm going, ma'am 
• — I'm going [asiae] J wi»h she'd ask me to remain. \ei, I'm 



THE YOUNGiWIDOW. 7 

•fesolved, I'll not stay anotiier instant, [seats himself l.] No, 
I'll not stay another instant. 

Aurel, Well, sir, are you gone ? 

Maud. Yes, I'm gone ma'am, gone. 

Aurel. [looking round] Gone! 

Maud. No— no— that is, I'm going, [aside] But I'll be 
resolute — 1 will return it at once. 

Aurel. [aside.] What's coming now ? 

Mand. [Taking a miniature in a red morocco case out of his 
bosvm.] Here, ma'am, I have worn this near my heart ; but 
now I respect it no longer, 

Aurel. Then, sir, 1 think you had better return it to the 
giver. 

Mand. That's what I intended, madam. 

Aurel. Very well, sir : then give it me. 

Mand. You shall have it noa'am — you shall have it. 

[He keeps the picture in his hand, looking at it without 
offering to return it. 

AureL Well, sir, you really seem very anxious to part with 
it. 

Mand. Oh, it's very amusing, 5 dare say ma'am, but you 
.shall have it. There, take it, madam. [Mandeville, without 

apparently knowing what he does, takes the picture out of the 

case, looks at it affectionately, puts the picture in his pockety 

and presents the case to Aurelia. 

Mand. There it is, ma'am, there it is. 

Aurel, [opening she case.] Is it indeed^ upon my word, I 
don't see it. 

Mand. Oh! I beg your pardon, ma'am, [giving her the pic- 
ture with great reluctance.] It was all a mistake, ma'am. 

AuT'Cl. Oh, of course — and now I have it, upoa my lifcj I 
don't know what I'm to do with it. 

Mand. [asida.] Now I'll Ije severe — Why, now, madam,, 
jou may give it to your officer. 

Aurel. [aside.] So, he '/J coming to the point at last. — My 
officer, sir? 

Mand. Yes, ma'ar^f, your officer, your colonel, your cap- 
tain, your corporal, ■^t whatever he may be. 

Aurel. Why, wbat in the name of goodness does ail the' 
poor man? — I b^c,in to be quite alarmed. 

Mand. Don'r be alarmed, I'm perfectly in my senses— 
-and that you^ioay have no excuse for not understanding me, 
inow, .-^yacj^m, that I was last night at the masqueraae— I 



8 THE YOUNG WIDOW. 

there got acquainted with a certain officer — he spoke of you,, 
my suspicions we,Q aroused — 1 dogged him home, and saw 
him enter— this very house. 
Aurel. And was that all ? 

Maud, Yes, madam, and in my opinion enough too. Ex- 
plain it it you can, 

Aurel. [.tside.] What shall I say 1 1 have it— Why you sil- 
ly mortal, suppose you had seen a dozen officers enter, does it 
follow of necessity, that they must come to me 1 are there not , 
other iiimates in the house — and if they chose to be at the 
masquerade, they surely had a right to assume what chaiac- 
ter they pleased. 

Mand. [hebitating.] Why, that't very true ; upon my life, , 
that^ did not strike me before. Is it possible, that 1 have beea 
mistaken! 

Aurel. [aside-] Possible! I see its all safe. What a pocir- 
weak soul it is 

Mand. Can it be possible,! have been mistaken! 
Aurel. You have indeed — For I protest you uere the last 
male creature I spoke to last night, and the first this morning. 
Mand. Oh, 1 must believe you, for surely falsehood could 
never look so heavenly— Can you forgive me, Aurelia? 
Aurel. Nay, 1 really don't know that I can. 
Mand. On my knees then let me beg for mercy ; for no hu- 
miliation can be too great for having suspected my Aurelia't . 
truth. 
[Lucy, not knou-ing what turn the affair has taken, has been 
seen once or twice looking cn/i at the t,ed-chamber door, watch- 
ing for an opportunity to escape with the military dre>.s. Set' 
in<r MandcMUe now with his back turned towards her, she 
leaves the chamber on tiptoe T.« with the dress under her apron. 
Unfortunately, one of the sleeves hangs out and is quickly per^ 
eeiied by Mandeville, He seems i^ruck breathless — bitt <t- 
claims aside- — 
Curse me if she hasn't got a man under her apron. 

Aurelia appears afraid to move. Whe^i,just as Lucy gett 
to the door, Mundecille &tarts off his knees and seizes the drest^-^ 
Lucy screams, and Aureli^ seems petrified. 
ho, no, madam, there is no escape— 1 have yo^j now, 
Aurel. [aside.] IK aw the mischief is complete i . 
l-uey. Oh my poor mistrew — 'what \y\\\ become bipr ! 

[$he rwK^ u 



THE YOL-NG WIDOW. , fli 

Mand. Now ma'am, say, who did this cursed hat belong 
^■io, that 1 may seek my venjeaace ? 

Auiel. [aside.] What shall 1 say ! I dare not acknowledge 
.the irutn. 

Mund. What! guilt has struck you dumb, ma'ara, has it t 

Auiei. (abide.) It must me so. 

Mu/id. Say, madam, ttiis mst.int. 

Jnret: Weil, if you must know then, they belonged to my 
poor dear late husbarid. You cruel man, to rake up his mem- 
ory ttius. (weep.'>.) 

Mind. Your late husband— And pray, madam what had 
your late husband to do with a dresS like this, when 1 know 
ho was lawyer ? 

Auiei. {uf<ide.) I'd forgotten that— And so he was, but 
thoughxhe was a lawyer, he had. a gallant soul, and served ia 
the, the — sharp-sliooters! 

Maud. In the sharp-shooters, eh? But this unfoitunately 
happens to be a cavalry uniform. 

Aujel. Well, 1 don't know, i suppose he wore it when he 
mounted guiird. 

Maud. Then curse me, madam, if he did'nt mount guard 
last night, for 1 saw hira in it. 

Aui^ei. Oh, dear, don't alarm me — I would not see the dear 
man in it again foj the universe. 

Maud \ here is sonfething in this I cannot solve. 

Auiei. Then let me soive it for you. Suppose a friend of 
mine borrowed that dress lor the masqueiade, supp'^se that 
friend r< tur led it this morning, then >u ipose 1 had made a 
piese.a of it to J.ucy, and all your doubts are removed. 

iUaiid. Yes, if 1 could suppiue all this — but, there's so much 
to siippoie ; yet, to be sure, it is possible. 

Aunl. [a^ide.] Possible — he me.ts again — there's a lord 
ol the creation .or you ! 

Mind, [coi^stderiuir.] Yes, it is very pos-ible, and if I were 
net obli-ed to draw amflcrLiit conciusiun. I would believe it. 

Aaiel. Believe, that 1 am innocent, and then draw whrit 
conclusion y(;u ihitik proper. 

Maud. [',t>id>'.] I hifn no means of immediate satisfaction, 
and so 1 may as well uis-embie. I shall be upon my guard 
|ho'. — VVeli, well, Aurelia, I wil believe you, and theie is 
jny hand again, on condition tliat you promise some day to 
clear up every doubt. 

Aural. I doprorjiiw; you—indeed— and let us sbv no mcr 



10 , THE YOtJisC WIDOW. 

on the subject. I expect my new dancing-master evrey in- 
stant, so lare you well till to morrow. iVliad, you're not 
jealous again. 

Mand. i\o, never ajjain. 

Aurel. It you gfe, I'll punish you for it — you are perfectly, 
satisfied. 

Ma)id. Yes, yes I am perfectly satisfied— 

[AuRixiA enter:) the inner Drawing Room l. 
that there is something still, of which you wish to keep me in, 
ignorance. But I'll tina it out: yet how? is the question — ' 
i have an idea — she is in momentary expectation of her new,. 
dancing master. Splash is a clever iellow ; and 1 know him 
to be aevoted to my interest. Ht shad be this dancmg mas- 
ter ,For when they are off their guard he will, most likely, 
be able to discover what this mysteiy means. One of my 
masquerade dresses that 1 had to try on yesterday will be tue 
very thing for him. Yes, yes, my pretty widow, you may 
^•et be caught. [/^^lit Mandevillf., l. 

Enter Lucv, i.. 

Lucy. My mistress has got rid of him at last. I wonder 
how slie mduaged it. Lord! what troubles those creatures 
are. i here's Mr. Splai,h and his public-bouse have been run- 
ning in my head all day. 1 almost begin to wish, that 1 were 
married to him, if it were only that 1 might care nothing 
about him. i\Jy mistress must have managed her own affair 
very cleverly though, for Air iViaodevdle seemed to go away 
in a very good humour. They say, that Cupid always shoot* 
lovers tiiiough the heart, now it's my opinion he always 
shoots them ttirough the eyes, for the poor creatures are sure* 
to beconje b.iad, as soon us he assails them. But now the 
mischiel is done, 1 may as well take away this unlucky dress* 
l^he takL'S ojf the dress and rethrns inunediutely, a loud 
dvuble knock is heard ut the btieet door.] 
Oh, my mistress' new dancing-master, 1 suppose, 
— (^iiioking o^'.) Yes, and here he is. 

$PLASii CHtere, capeiing very formally, diiguUed at a Dancing^-. 
Muster, 

Luey. The professor of dancing I prcRtupf , 
dplavb. The same. 



THE^yorx© WIDOW, n 

Luey. Pray what name shall I tell my mistress 1 

Splash. Oh, the devil ! 1 never thought of a name— How- 
ever, 1 must give one. Oh, say, that Mr. Chassez waits. 

Lucy. Lor' — what a curious looking figure. I'm sure I 
have seen his fase befoie tho'. 

[Exit Lucy to her Mistress l. d. 

Splash. Well, it's clear she don't suspect me — A cu:ious 
whim this of my master's, turning me into a teacher of dancing; 
but fortunately J lived with a professor once, sol know somee 
thing about the cuts. However, my chief business is tu loo- 
about, and see if 1 can discover any thing of this terrible caplt 
tain. 1 shall look after my little Lucy too ; for it would fa- 
very curious, if, when I'm looking after the captain, 1 should 
stumble on the corporal. 

[Splash begins looking about. He is just peeping under tht 
table. AvHEhiA aud LvcY enter Jroni l.d. t. and perceive him.] 

Aurel. What is the man about"? 

Splash. Excuse me, ma'am. I was just remarking that the 
lower part of this table, is very like the legs of a piano. 

Aurel. Pray sir, what instrument do you profess principallyt 

Spluih. What instrument! {Aside,) 1 did not know I was 
to be a music master too. Uh, ma'am one instrument is ex- 
actly the same tome as another. 1 can give you a lesson 
immediately, if you wish it, either on the Kettle-Drums, Irish 
Bagpipes, Jews' Marp, or the French Horn. 

Aurel. 1 thank you, but I have no wish to study either of 
thoge instruments. 

Spluih. Oh, very well, ma'am ; any lesson I shall give you 

■will be equally instructive, \^t it be on what instrument it will. 

[During the whole of this scene. Splash continues looking 

^aniiously about the apartment, and when noticed pretends to b* 

trying attitudes, pirouettes, &cc.] 

Aurel. Why, whata strange creature it is. Stophim,Lucy ; 
1 declare he's going into the bed-chamber. 

Lucy, (aside) Ma'am, 1 have my suspicions. 

[As Lucy pulls Splash buck, she looks stedfastly at him.] 

Lucy, (l.) Pray' sir, what are you doing there"? 
(^asidej I'm confident it's him. 

Splusli. (c.) I'm sure I beg your pardon. I was merely 
looking about me. 

Aurel. (n.) TheA H*ve the kindnei*. sir, to look about yoa 
intbi* apartment, 



12 TflK YOUNG^WIDOW, 

Lvcy. (aside to 4urelia,} It's as I suspected.. i:hisisall- 
a trick, ma'am, tha;t's Splash in disguise. 

Anrei. (aatde) Splash in disguise : ridiculous! 

Lucy (uoiite) Oh, I'm sure it is, just look at him, ma'am. 
Look at t!ie pimple on his nose, I'd swear to him by it among 
ten thousand. 

Aurel. {uiide) Well, I declare it is very like him. 

Lucy, (aside) Yes, ma'am, and he is sent here as a spy 
upon us, 

AureU (aside) Is he indeed 1 then he shall have a pretty 
«tory to take back with him. 

AuiiELiA gioes Lvcy the Minature and whiapers to her, 

Lucy, (aside) 1 will, ma'am. 

Aurel. (aside) I'll teach him to set his spies upon me. 

Lucy. But first, ma'am, enjoy his embarrasmenta bit: make 
him grve you a lesspn. 

Aurel. 1 will, [£xJtLuCYi.. 

Now, Mr. Prolessor, if you have done examining the fucoiture, 
we will begin. 

Splash. With the greatest pleasure, (aside) What the devil 
will she want me to do, 

Aurel. Suppose we now invoke the aid of Terpsichore. 

Splosh. I'erp — who? 

Aurel. Uf J'erpsichore. 

Splash, (aside) Oh, the deuce ! there's a mouthful — Terp — 
Terp -Terp--Oh! i shall never be able to- get it out,, and the; 
worst of it is i don't know what it meani» 

Aurel, Come, sir, shall it be a minuet. 

Splash, i^aside) Good, it means a raiuuet. Oh yes a topsy- 
turvy minuet, by all means. 

Aurel. But pray tell me, sir, which key do you consider the 
most brilliant tor a dance ! 1 he major key, the minor key, 
the key of A, or the key of E ] 

Splash, (aside). Oh lord ! among such a bunch of keys, I 
shall never hit upon the right. But i believe impudence is 
every thing in most attkirs.' — Oh, for my part, I may be singu- 
lar, but i prefer the key of L. 

Aurel. Why that's no key at all. 

Splash. Isn't it] i hen i in lock-jawod. {^Jl^ide. 

Aurel. But, perhaps you will give me an idea of what you 
jnean ] 

Splash, Oh, with all the pleasu/e in life! 



THK YOIXG WIDOVv. l;] 

[Splash tries to hum an air, b:tt makes such an ontrageoiDi 

7ioise, that Aurelia isohuged to stop her ears.] 
There that's exactly what I mean. 

Anrel. Bless my soul, 1 ii?ver knew a dancing-master with 
such a pair of lungs in my life. 

Splash. No, I dare say not; there are very few dancing- 
masters like me. 

Aniel. I should hope so— but 1 think if you could have 
given it a little lower. 

Splash. Oh, the easiest thing in the world, thanks be. my 
voice will compass any tiling from A to Z. 

Anrel. (^suie.) Fiona A to Z! here's eifrontevy! 

Splash. Now then, ma'am, if you please, you can begin 
with a shuffle, 1 generally end with one. {aside.) 

(^Ai ISPi.AiH sihgs and sho'vs the d'ljferent steps, aurelia 
dances. 

Sit. A sir. 

Now commcncez with a round about O ; 
The instep thus, the pliant toe turned oat 0. 

' ris scarcely right, bat 1 must not dishearten her— 
Now pironette, then chassez to your partner. 

Not too much ■X)rce, lest you the spiiits rufflf>. 
But look at me, and then you'll learn to shuffle. 

Now lightly trip— three demi pas avanccz — 
Turn to tUe right — :!ioiss-.'Z — and then ballancez. . 

Bravo! bravo! Nob' et ne'er surpass'd her— 
But she's so apt, and I so good a master. 

Splash, (aside) Bravo! bravo! I find my talent only v/ants 
to be discovered to be properly appreciated. 

[1-UCV enters from the inaer drawing room icith an ojjlcer's 

S'lbre-tache in her hand, 

Lnc'j. Oh, ma'am, see what I've found' in the inner draw- 
ing-room ! 

Splash, So, now T shall learn something. 

Aarel. Well, I declare, then, when the captain left his con- 
cealment, after Mandeville's departure, this morning, he must 
have forgotten it. 

Splash. {Aside with the utmost astonishment.) The murder's 
out then ; there is a captain in the way, and my poor master 



I 



14 THE YOUrsC WIBOW, 

.tands a chance of being made one of the cattle-club, befoxe 
he's even married. 

fAuREMA wakes signs to Lucy to put it on the table and 
leave U, wluch she does, aud reinrns to the inner drawmg-roonu] 
AureU On Thursday, Mr. Professor, 1 shc-U have the honour 
of seeing ycu again ; 'til! then your most obedient. 
i^plush. .Uadam, I'm your's devotedly. *^ 

[AuRELTA re-enters the bed- chamber.] 
Splash. Here's a pretty story for ray "^^ster! If I were 

not atraid ot being taken up lor a ^"--^V°^' ""^'.nP lool- 
vxstlv like to ste whufs in that. Lgad! there s no one oL 
Hio and~'taith I'll iiave a peep, let the consequence be ^vUat 
•j^*^-jj^ [UpfTis the aabrt'lache. 

Heie's something, however. 

[Put, hisha.d in and takes out the ide>Jical miniainre 
IVlANDk.vii.Lt hact retuiiitd to Avmelia. 
If further proof w.re 'Aunting, here it is-- the very picture 
LV ; CO mLier pnzea so much. i shall take it home to turn 
Tr re'd never believe me. Oh, wuat a lucky escape .or 
nni' But heie's LUC). Lgad! as 1 h.u the n.stre^ 
^ a Lucrefa, i n.ay a. well Know a htUe r.oie ab.ul the 
virtue gt the maid, btiore i go any turtber. 
Re-euterhvcyjrom h.J> f. 

Tvcv. (cside.) So. it's all right-h,? has got the pictu'e.. 
Oh beR you. pardon, sir. bui 1 thought y. u were gone. 
•%!.'/. No, I\kss Lucy ; i waiteU Itr the pleasure ot v^ishm^ 
vcugoodmornmg^^^^ ^^^^^^ 

bis^S ^. flupp-e : weli. n he has, he shall .utler ipr U. 
Ih.t's a 11 Iran say IPathetiratly, 

^''" 'f Whv, si., such a thing has bee^ talked of, but th^ 

'"l"^ ?^rf;;5^::li:;e,rt understand your intended w^J 
,ne!r.'spSV::y'c.;ver, discreet, haua.o.e youug ...U 

Ipw. 



THE VOUNG WIDOW. 13 

Lnci). Oh, sir, then you've been terribly m'sinformed; Mr. 
Splash is exactly tiie coiitraiy o; what y.ni rneiiUou — ii^-s the 
moai vul^^ar, iJiiteiatK.ordisiaiy persunyou evtTueheiu. (^umtU) 
I'ii give it tuiii, however. 

Sj.Liiih. (,(»(■/(') This is pleasant. Well, I always tiiousiht, 
that, at Jea>t, his beauty could not be callea in cjuestion. 

Lucy. His beauty!— he's about as handsome as a hedge- 
hog. 
iiplash. (aside) How damned pointed she is! 
Liicu. it" 1 had xnurried hina, 1 should, perhaps, have made 
something of him. 

Splash, (aside) If you had married him, you would have 
made something of him, I've no doubt : — I'll try her further. 
Do you tiiow. Miss Lucy, I don't know how it is, but 1 fe^l 
iliioAoipre-iejidiinent towards you myself. 
Lu, I/. Lord, sir, you flatter me. 

S/dush. No, I'd scorn it : and do you know, INIiss Lucy, I'd 
give a guinea only for a tiSte of tljose swcet- looking lips'. 

Lucy, (^wiping her mouik with her upivn) Oh, sir, you're too 
gdnerous, a great deal. 

SjUiiJ). (aside) VVny, curse me, if she an't going to take my 
money! Well, they say experience bou^jht is the best, soi'll 
wave a guinea's woith, at ah events. [Giving her a guinea. 
Here you pretty dear-looking [knses her]— (aside) in.eraal 
baggage. 

Lucy. Thank you, sir. You ha v 'n't got another guinea^ 
liave you I 

Uplush. No, no-~l thank you ; I've had quite enough. 
Lucy. [a,iue) 1 nevir tnuui,ht he was such a iool. 
Spluih (a.>(dc) Was ever such a Tiiinocerus! H w I should 
like to let iier unow who 1 am, and uphr-ad lier tor her perfi- 
dy. {Jinit.ai'ig her u»ide.) " i hose lips niust never be touciied 
by moilal man till aftei the ce.emony, at least"— no, not till 
alter the ceremony ot paying for it, i hnd. 
■ Lucy, (h.) Are you going, sir ? 
'Spluih, (l) Going — yes. (^Anine.) I wish! had been in 
the n.er beiore 1 had ever come. Oh, mister, master, here's 
a pretty pair ot us! [Ooiug.L. 

Lucy. ;sir, sir; when you have got any moie guiiieas to 
spare, you'll know how to dispose oi them. (Aside) 1 think 
1 have given him a dose for his disguises at any rate. 

[Exit Liicy,h^^ 



16 THE YOUNG|nVlDOVV. 

Splash. Well, this is cruelly agreeable! I Lave made some, 
pretty discoveries t'.iis morning. The mistress conceals a cap- 
tain in her cupboard, and the maid sells her kisses at a guinea 
a-peice : 1 suppose they would come cheaper, though, by taking 
a quantity. But 1 have one comfort — 1 can go home, and 
make my master as miserable as myself — and curse me if I 
don't too. Oh, woman, woman! [Exit, l. 



SCENE II Mandeville's opartment.-^ Enter Mandfv'illb 

mushig. 

Mand. Alas, how tedious are the moments of uncertainty, 
Splash must have committed some blunder, or he would surely 
'have returned ere thi<. I am almost distracted ; for to say the 
least of it, that officer's entering the house at such an hour 
has a very strange appearance. But still, I will not believe 
my Aurelia guilty till 1 have more convincing proofs of her 
inconstancy, No, no, fiom this lucky idea of mine of sending 
Splash as the dancing- master, he will be able to give me the 
most convincing assurance of her attachment to me ; he will 
be able at once to see that all my suspicions were unfounded, 
as 1 now am sure, ihey must have been. [A'oiie witfwut, n. 
And if I still felt otherwise, here comes Splash to remove even 
the shadow of a duubt ; he looks quite overcome with pleasure 
at the joyful tidiii.i^s be has to communicate. 

Splash eiitfn r, in a state of complete abstraction, and ■ 
hurries backwci ids and forwards without taking the least notice ^ 
of' his master. 

Splash, (aside) Oh Lucy! Lucy! thou most perfidious o 
all waiting women! 

Mund. fell, me, Splash, is she not innocent! 

Splash. Oh, yes sir, very innocent. She let me kiss her»' 
without the least ceremony. 

Mand. Let you kiss her, you scoundrel! 

Splash. Yes, sir, after I had given her a guinea. 

Mand. Why, the fellow's mad! 

SplaJi. No, no, sir. I don't mean she let me kiss her, I 
suean the dancing master. 

Mand. (r.c. collaring him) Why, you infernal villain. 

SfJaah. (i. c.) Oh, pray forgive me, sir, for 1 hardly know; 



THE YOUNG WIDOW. 17^ 

%hat I'm saying. The fact is— the fact is — we're a couple 
of wretched individuals. 

Maud. What is the meaning of all this? 

Splmh. Oh, sir, the meaning's too plain, when I've told 
you all. There, sir — look, there, sir ; what's the meaning of 
that. [Giving his ]\Lister the Picture. 

Mand Why this is her miniature that I returned to her 
this morning. 

Splash. Yes, sir, and that's the miniature that she gave the 
Captain this afternoon, who was concealed in the inner apart- 
ment while you were in the outer one, and who escaped the 
moment you left the place. These are discoveries I've made, 
all through our admirable contrivance. 

Inland. Splash-, you electrify me! 

Splash. Ah, sir, and 1 wish somebody would eleptrifyme too.- 

Mand. But are you positive? 

5/;/(fs/i. Positive! Seeing'sbelieying, you know, sir. From 
my being in disguise, they made no secret of it whatever, but 
spoke of the Captain openly. That picture I found myself — 
in his - what-you-may-call-it, sir — a thing that hangs about 
his heels in the shape of a shovel without a handle. By the 
bye, sir, as I was coming out, i met the real professor, and if 
1 had not shoved him down an area, and — nearly broke his^ 
neck, all our fine scheme woudd heve been knock'd on the 
head. 

Mand. And she has sunk so low too as to let the dancing- 
master kiss her! 

Splosh. Oh no, T can't say that, sir ; that was a little affair 
ef my own — that was Miss Lucy. I find the maid's about 
as virtuous as the mistress, sir, we should have cut admirable 
figures in a short tlnw. Oh, they are a precious pair! 

Mand. Then I'll never trust woman more! 

Splash. Nor I either, sir — no, we'll mingle our tears together,, 
an<l Pail at the whole sex! 

Mand. None of your impertinence, sir, — yes, 1 will leave 
this place immediately. — I'll become a wanderer. 

Splash. Yes, sir ; and I'll be a wanderer too. 

Mand. And so you shall — misery places us all on an equali - 
ty. Give me youy hand : henceforth you are my friend — you; 
shall go where I go, and do as I do. 

Splash. Thank you sir. 

Mand, Yes, I'll blow out my brain?;, Splash. 

/Spksh. Oh, sir, that would b« a splash! 



IB 



THE YOUNG WIDOW. 



Mfl«.Z. And so shall you, my faithful fellow 
Splash. (a»idc^) No. riibe hang'd if I do! \Miy. sir. id. 
Sav the truth, that's a sort of oqualuy I'm m>t at all anxious of 
tnjovina with vou : in fact, it's too low for my ideas altogether. 
Besides i f-ant -ee the benefit ot it. ^ , ^ , ,^ 

M<n,d Whv, Splash, 1 stil! think, she has a heart— and when 
I blowout my brains. 1 shall bt revenged in knowing what 
she'll feel when she hears of the fatal cata==trophe. 

Splash. Oh. sir, that's all very romantic ; but as I don t 
think it worth while to b'ow out ray brains to mortify J.ucy^ 
uhy I must beg to decline keeping you company- and, 1 
have a better idea, sir. 

iVIariri. And what is it, Splash? 

^Spbsh. Why, sir, to let you have your revenge on her with- 
out hurting yourself. ,• i j i 

Mnnd. But how's that to be accomplished ? 
Svlash Whv, sir, thus— instead of your blowing out your 
brains in earnest, let me go and tell the widow you have done 
so: and then vou'll be able to enjoy your revenge. Besides, 
YOU know, it won't be too late to do it afterwards. 

Maud. Admirable! But if she be not in the most wretch- 
edly interesting state of despair at the news, 1 insist on doing 
it in reality. 

Svlash. Verv well, sir, you shall. 

Mand. Get" me my pistols. Splash ; I will put them in my 
pocket, that 1 may be prepared for the worst. _ 
Splash (gkiaihimahrace.) Here they are. Sir. 
ilifl/irf. They are loaded, 1 beliieve ? 
Splash. Yes sir, three balls in each. 
Maud. So much the better. 
Splash. But you will not want both pistols. 
Mand. No, mv friend, 1 shall not want them both--one of 
them will be sufficient for me, and the other will do for you. 
Splash. Yes, it will do for me, it 1 make use of it. Keally, 
sir, you must excuse me. . ir ;♦ 

Maml ^o. Splash, 1 insist upon you shooting yourselt; it 

\vil] be my last command. r i, r „ f„„ :f: 

S7,Wk Yes. and it will be my last act of obedience too, if, 
I do it. But i think, we'd better lose no time ; you know, , 
sh you can wait lor me down at the pump, and directly 1 
leave the wido-.v, 1 can run and tell you how she has received i 
the news of \o..r demise. ^ «„:«*, 

Maud. lUuliy, iplash. the thoughts of her gnefhave qmitev 



THE YOUNG WIDOW, !§" 

put me in spirits, — but I insist on blowing out ray brains the'' 
after all, if she be not interestingly affected. 

Spliish. Very well, sir — agreed, (aside) You may make a 
hole in your head, but if you blow out your braias, I'll be 
han^'d! 

Mand. What did you say, sir 1 

Splash. I said, that if I were to blow out your brains,! 
i^iould deserve to be hanged. 

Maud. No, no ; we'll manage it better than that, we'll each 
shoot ourselves, and then we shall evade the law. 

[Ejte«»f Mandcville and Splash,!?. 



SCENE III — Anrelia'i apartment : The same as the fir at scene. 
A small screen is in the room, l., which must be sujficientty- 
low for a person to look over. 

Enter Aurelia r. d. j». 

Auret. I wonder how my spark has received his supposed 
confirmation of my infidelity. I believe, I must confess the 
truth to him after all : but first to punish him for his suspicions, 
and try to cure him of his eccentricity, I mean to pur, on mj 
oflScer's dres5 once more, to see how he will bear the sight of 
bis favoured rival, and when I consider myself suffici -ntly re- 
Tenged, I will throw off my disguise and ask his forj^iveness. 

Enter Lucy in haste , l. d. f. 

Lucy. Oh ma'am, ma'am! there's something else in the 
wind ; there's more mischief brewing. 

Anrel. Why do you think so? 

Liicif, Why, ma'am, jist as I was looking out the upstairs' 
window, what should I see but Mr. Splash and his master, 
down by the post in the deepest consultation, presently they 
divided, and Splash is coming towards the house. 

Aurel. Never mind, Lucy, only let us be upon our guard, 
and I'll be a match for him, I warrant. 

Lucy. Yes, ma'am, 1 hope you will some day ; but Splash^ 
dk here, 

B 



20 THE YOUNG WIDOW. 

Splash enters, l. with his handkerchief to his eyes, and pour- 
truyxng all thesympioms of the most excessive sorrow. 

Attrel. (r.) For heaven's sake. Splash, what is the matter? 

Splash, (c.) Oh! ohi oli! ma'am! 

Lucy, (l.) [aside to a are iia.^ J'his is some trick, ma'am, 
depend on it. 

Splash. Oh dear! oh dear! oh dear! 

Lucy. Why, you havn't got the toothache, have you, Mr. 
Splashl 

Splash. Oh, the toothache. But it's so dreadful, I shall 
never be able to tell yuu what it is. 

Aurel. Now, pray, iMr. Splash, compose yourself, and let 
us know the worst ; for nothing can be so bad as this dread- 
ful^ state of uncertainty. 

Splash. Well, 1 suppose I may as well out with it. 

Aurel. Come now, I'm quite impatient. 

Splash. You must know then, that my poor master, ma'am, 
had taken it into his head to be jealous of you, and all I could 
say in your favour would not satisfy him; and about two hours 
since 

T ' ' f Well, about two hours since ? 

Lucy. S 

Splash. Why, about two hours since, he put a pistol to his 
head, and blew the whole of his brains into the air, oh! oh! 

Aurel. [yerii coolxi.'] And is it only that? 

Splash. Only that! [n.su/e.] Why, what the devil would she 
have? I suppose, she thinks, he ought to have blown away 
body and all! 

Lucy, [aside to Aurel.'] I told you it was some scheme, 
ma'am. 

Aurel. [aside to Lucy.] Never mind, I'll punish him for it. 
Well, this is really very unfortunate. 

Splash. Oh, it's dreadful ! 

Aurel. But are you sure he's dead, Splash ? 

Splash. Why, ma'am, he has got three bullets through his 
head, and I think the probability is, that he's not in a perfect 
state of activity. 

Aurel. Three bullets! then he must be very dead. 

Splash. Yes, ma'am, he's very dead indeed. — [nside.l HOM& 
cursedly cool she takes it. 



THE YOUNG WIDOW. 2t 

Aurel. But 1 have been thinking Lucy — {^weeps."] 

Sphtih. [ande.'] Conje, she's beginnino to feel it. 

Aurel. 1 have been thinking, Lucy, vvlielher it would not 
be proper for me to put on mourning on the melancholy oc- 
casion ? 

Splash, laside.] Upon my soul, I wish my master could 
see her. 

Liicii. Why, ma'am, as things had gene so far, 1 think it 
would be showing- a mark ot respect towcirds the deceased, you 
know, you can have it made very fashionable, ma'am. 

AureL And so 1 can, but stiil it's distressing. 

SpUiih. Oh, dreadfully distressing! oh! 

Ajirel. And so it is, to be obliged to appear in black, wi.ei 
rose color predominates so 

Liicii. And so it i^, ma'am, 

Splanh. [aside.] I t/m electiified now! 

Auicl. [u.iide to Lucij.] V\ here's my uniform? 

Luci^. [aside to A^uii^j.^} Down in the back parlour. 

Aurel. 1 fear my excessive L-.^or will render me unfitto see 
company to-day, and so I'll retire and indulge m sorrow. But 
mind, Lucy, you don't neglect sending for the dress-maker. — 
Poor Mandeville! how very weak it was of him! I'll never 
forgive him for it, that I won't! I think a few bugles might 
be introduced — a nauglity — naughty man! [Exit, r. d. f. 

Spla!,h. [aside mimicking he> .] A naughty, naughty man! — 
Well, my master may wait at the pump for a twelve-month 
before I'll go and tell him this ; he'd not only blow his own 
brains out, but perhaps mine too! 

Lucij. Well, Splash, so the poor man's gone 1 

Splash. Yes, Lucy. 

Lucy. And, I fear by the excess of your grief, Splash- 

Splash. What, Lucy? 

Lucif That he hasn't left you a legacy. 

Splash, [aside.} What a thoughtful soul it is. 

Lucy. N'ot that I'm in the least interested. 

Splash. No, no; it isn't that, I've other griefs at heart. 

Lucy. And what are they, Splash? 

Splash, [aside.] Now, I'll give it her. Why, Lucy, yes- 
terday, 1 met a friend— a Mr. Chassez. [aside.] I'll place it 
allegorical ly. 

Lucy, [aside.] What's he about now? 



•22 THE YOUNG WIDOW. 

Splash, [aside.] Uovw the name lias struck her' — This 
friend told me a strange story al)out a lady called Lucy i 
about u guinea, and a kiss, and the deuce knows what. 

Lucu. ^ ou met a friend you say? 

Splash. Yes, to be sure 1 did—he's a fiiend of yours too, i 
believe. 

/-Kr!/. What have I donel 

Splosh. I'm sure I don't know, you can tell best, but I sup- 
pose you'll deny it all. 

Lvcy. [aside.] I'm net so silly.- -Not one word of it, 
Splash. Its all true; the kiss and the guinea, both. But 
pardon me, Splash, 1 was foolish enough to think that J\Jr. 
Chassez was yourself in disgu se. 

Spliish. [startnig u-ith astoitishinent.] No, did you though? 
[aside.] \^ hat a quick sighted toad it is. But I'll swear it 
wasn't me, to moitify her. 

Lucy. Now tell me, Splash, wasn't it you 1 

Splash. Lord bless you, how could you ihink I would be &o 
foolish ■} 

Lucij. You're sure it was'nt you 1 

Splash. Positive! 

Lvcij. [wiping her month.] Oh, what have I done then'. 
I've let anotl'er man kiss me! 

Splash, [aside.] This is delightful ! O you've made a pret- 
ty business of it! [with objected giuvily.] Oh you little profli- 
gate ! 

Lucy. But forgive me, Splash, and I swear that no maa 
but yourself shall ever touch my lips agair. 

Splash. Well, well, I forgive you on that condition. 

Lucy, [aside.] Lord, what loots nien are! 

Splash, [aside.] -Oh, I'm the happiest dog alive! I wonder 
how my poor master is, down at the pump. 

Lucy. V\ell, Splash, I must bid ycu good bye now ; but 
you won't forget in the evening again. 

Splash. No, my darling; farewell. 

Lucy, [aside, as she gnes ojf.] Now there's a pretty simple- 
ton for you. ( b-iit, n. d f. 

Splash. Oh, I'm in extacy. (Going off l- noise without."] 
Hh! why if there an't my master's rivai, tlif captain, coming 
up stairs. 1 shall make more discoveries. I'll step behio^ 
that screeri, and observe him-. 



r 



THE YOUNO WIDOW. 23 

[As he is ^(*ivg behind the screen, Lucy opens the chamber door, 
and ohs ne^ him; ihe immediatelij shuts it ai^uin and retires 
Splash, [fiom the sneen.] Yes, yes, here 1 bhall be able to 
hear and see ail that passes. Not that 1 have any doubt re- 
maining about Lucy. [Hides himself'* 

Enter hvcY, from r. d. k. 

Lucy, [aside ] Behind the screen, eh? Well, it sha'nt be 
my fault ir he's not perf'ec tly satisfied, at all events, and for- 
tunately, here comts my mistress. 

Enter AiiRELA J^rom r. d. f. in the Captain's nniform, 

Aurel. Now, Lucy. 

Lucy, {abide,) Hush, ma'am, there's Splash hid behind the 
screen. Can't yru make a littie love to me 1 

Aurel. {aside.) Oh, to be sure 1 can. Now, my dear girl, 
is my Aurelia visible? 

Splash, {aside.) His Aurelia! 

Lucy, To say the truth, cuptain, she's now dressing; yott 
know she could not think of receiving you in dishabille. 

Aurel. Don't hurry her ; while 1 have a pretty maid to 
keep me company, I don't mind waiting a few moments for 
tlie v/idow. 
Lacy. Oh, captain, you're very gallant. 

Splash, {(oide.) \ eiy. 

Aurel. And really, my dear, before Aurelia conies, I, 
positively, must have a kiss of those pouting lips. 

Splash, (aside.) W ell, one good thing, she has sworn not to 
let any one kiss her but myself. 

[Ai'RELiA and T^ucY toying together. 

Lucy, Really, you military gentlemen are so very perse- 
vering — 

Aurel. But not the less welcome, I warrant. [Kisses her. 

SplasJu {aside.) If she an't forsworn before my face! but 
he's not a man, I suppose, he's a gentleman. 

Lucii, {aside.) 1 wonder how Mr. Splash likes that 
[Noise heard without, l.] {aside.) There is some one coming — 
You had better retire, captain, if you please to the iuner 
>iawing-room. 



%4 THE YOUNG WIDOW. 

Aurel. As you pb^ase, my darling ; but come hither, Lucy, 
for 1 positively must have another kiss. 

[Exeunt AuRELiA and Lucy to the inner drawing-romn. 

Splash. 1 think I ought to be satisfied now. I wish 1 could 
escape, but some one else is coming. [Looking off, l.] Con- 
found it— if it an't my master! I mustn't let him see me, 
or he'll out with his pistols in a minute. [Goes behind screen. 

Enter Mandeville, l. 
Mand. I am confident that Splash has played me false. 
I have been waiting- this hour for him down at that cursed 
pump. But 1 am resolved now to be trifled with no longer, 
and come to an explanation at once. [Noise withmit,] Some 
one approaches. 

Enter Avrelia, from the inner drawing-room, in her mill- 
tar y dress. 

By all my fears, my rival! 

Splash. (iisiJe.) Yes, there he is ; there'll be a pretty set-to. 

Anrel. (aside.) So, here is the dead man ; now to prepare 
for a storm. 

Bland, (aside.) I would have instant satisfaction, but I will 
not let him enjoy the triumph of knowing who 1 am. 

Aurel. A friend of the widow's, I presume ? 

Mand. I \\as. You, 1 beiieve, are still a friend of her'sl 

Aurel. A very particular one. 

Splash, (aside.) What the devil are they going at nowl 

Mand. (n.) You have business here, 1 suppose? 

Aurel. (I..) Verv urgent business ; in fact, the case 
stands thus : — Auren4 and myself have been, for sometime, 
affectionately attached to each other ; unfortunately, she had 
given her wcsrd to another, and resolved to keep it ; now this 
other, as, of course you will guess, was a very weak, simple 
sort of a personage — 

Mand. No sir, I should guess quite the contrary. 

Aurel. Only hear me out. 

Splash, (aside.) 1 wish I could get out. 

Aurel. And if you don't agree with me then, I'll give up 
the point. For what should 30U think 1 In this state of af- 
fairs, this poor foolish devil, in a fit of jealousy, has not only 



THE YOUNG WIDOW. t25 

been kind enough to me, but cruel enough to himself to blow 
his brains out. Not that I suspect he ever had many ; and 
I dare say you think so too. 

Maud. Sir, whatever I may think, I'll thank you to proceed. 
Aurel. Weil sir, he having blown out his brains, every ob- 
stacle is removed. Ihe widow writes to me, and 1 novf come 
to supply the place of her former lover. A lucky dog an't 1 1 
[SLups Mandeville on the i>1touldei\ 
Spl2.->h. [aside,] Hit him again, sir. 

Mund. [aaide.] Who could have thought my Aurelia had 
been so completely worthless. 

Aurel. But before I open my confidence any further, may I 
beg to know to whom 1 have the honour of speaking? 

Maud, [aaide,] I have been such a fool, that, curse me, if 
I an't ashamed to tell him who 1 am! 

Aurel. Will you favour me with your name 1 
Maud. My name, sir, can be of little importance, let it suf- 
fice that I am a gentleman, and a friend of this poor foolish 
devil's. 

Splash, [aside.] Oh, he's a friend, is he "? he's placing it al- 
legorically too. 

^nrel. You may be his friend, but ?A\ I can say is, that to 
boast of his friendship, is but a pcor compliment to your own 
wisdom. 

Maud. Sir, I will put up with this no longer. I demand 
the satisfaction of a gentleman. 

Aurel. Oh, very well, sir, you shall have any satisfaction 
you think proper ; name your time and place. - 

Mand. Sir, there is no time nor place, so proper as this ap- 
partment and the present moment. 

Aurel Oh, very well, sir, i'm perfectly agreeable, [aside.] 
I know there are no arms in the hou^e, and so I may as well 
show my bravery. 

Mand. I'm glad to find you so ready. 

Aurel. I'm ready this instant — it can't be settled too quick- 
ly- 

Splash, [aside.] Why if they an't going to fight in earnest. 
Mand. [Taking the pistols out of his pnckets] Luckily I'm 
provided. — Here, sir, choose your weapon. 

[AuRELT.\ seems readii to faint at the sight of ihem, 
Aurel. [o»it/e.] What a murderous fellow it is, I would 



96 THE YOUNG WIDOW. 

uot have ventured a syllable about fi jhtin^s if 1 had thought 
there had been a pistol within a miJe (if m-. 

Mand. Come, sir, no trifling, take your chni e. 

Aurel. [aside,'] What shall 1 do' ii i -xr.'Ani out, 1 shall 
be obliged to discover the whole plot. 1 lia^eit, I'll place my- 
self close to Splash, he'll surely not let nis master fire that 
way. 

Mand. Come, sir, take your position. 

Aurel {I'unniiig touards the i,creeji ) VhU is my ground. 

Uplcvih. (hwkiiig over the screen in ihe ^i i-at si ii^onij.) Why 
if he an't — come — close to me — 1 shail have three bidUtr 
tlirough me presently! 

Mand. How are we to arrange the signaH 

Aurel. As you please. 

Splash, (aside.) Oh, curse the signal! I can never stand 
this! 

Mand. Very well, sir, when 1 say One, Two, Three, we'll 
both fire together. 

Splash, (aside.) Yes, and I shall drop between you. 

Aurel. (aside.) If Splash don't call out, 1 n\ust. 

Splash, (aside.) Oh I'm a dead man to a rertainty! 

Mand. One — Two — 

Splash. Hold! hold! flesh and blood can bear it no longer! 

[Splash throus down the screen and discovers himself, 

Aurel. (aside.) Thank Heaven! 1 was just going to fall 
on my knees! (To Mand.) This aftair mut be settled thea 
at another opportunity, till then farewell. 

[Exit AuRELiA into the Bed Chaiuher. 

Mand. (to Splash.) What did you do there, scoundreH 

Splash. Nothing, sir, nothing. 

Mand. Then you should have lain quiet till I had fired. 

Splash. I should have lain quiet enou/h, it 1 had — no, no, F 
thank you, sir, you might have shot at the pigeon and killed 
the crow, perhaps. 

Mand. Very true — very true. Let me consider awhile. 

[S?jts himself. 

Splash, (aside.) 1 hope he'll go home quietly. It's my 
firm opinion, he's out of his mind. 

Mand. Well, Splash ? [w"S««^-L 

Splashy W«ll, sir , what shall we do now 1 



THE YOUNG WIDOW. 27 

Mand^ Why, now, Splash, we'll put our design into execu- 
tion :— here, take your pistol. ['offering him one^ 

Splaah. Lord, sir, you're not in earnest 1 

Maud. Do you consider blowing out your brains a joke'? 

Splash. No, sir; upon my soul, 1 consider it no joke at all. 

Mand. Then, sir, if you have the least respect for me, 
shoot your-^elf this instant. 

Splash. Shoot myself! Lor', nonsense, sir! it would b« 
the death of me. 

Mand. Sir, this levity ill becomes the awful occasion. 

Splash. Levity be hanged, sir ! A joke's a joke, you know ; 
but I don't see the fun of this. 

Maud. Sir, I'm resolute. 

Splash. Yes, sir, and so am I ; and I'll be shot if I blow my 
own brains out to please any body. — VVhy, Sir it would b« 
downright parricide. 

Mand. Parricide ! suicide, I suppose you mean. 

Splosh. Well, sir, it's all the same, and both sides are bad 
enough. 

Mand. (musiog.) Right, Splash ; self-murder will not 
sound well. It would not read well in the newspapers. 

Splash. No, sir, very badly indeed, or else I should have 
no objection. 

Mand. No, no ; — I have it; I will put my pistol to your 
head, and you shall put yours to mine ; an^ then, when I pull 
my trigger, do you pull yours, and all will be over. 

Splash. Yes; and as youre so accomiPO<lating, perhaps, 
you'll indulge me by letting me have the first pull. 

Mand. Come, sir, take your pistol, or 1 will execute yon 
first, and then myself. 

(^Folloivs Splash round the stage, pv^senting the pistob at him. 
Splash. Why, he's quite mad. Here! helpl help! 

Enter 'Lvc\,frcm l. d. f. 

Lticy. In the name of wonder, what does all this mean.? 
Splash. Why, it means, that my master s going to blow my 
brains out. 

Lucy. Oh, impossible! 

Splash, Ah, it's very true though, for all that. 



28 THE YOUNG WIDOW. 

MaiuJ, No more, sir ; and if you can exist in a world, where - 
such women are — live! 

Splaih. Thank you, sir. 

Maud. I shall consider further on the buisness. 

(E.xit, Mandf-ville, l. 

Splash. Yes, and so shall I, before I do it. So, ma'am, 
I've made more discoveries — no one but myself should ever 
touch those lips. Oh, you false one! 

Lucv. Well, sir, if you were mean enough, after what I 
said, to suspect my truth, and conceal yourseif, in order to 
detect me, I'm very glad you met with just the reward you 
deserved, and so farewell. (Lvov enters the bed-chamber. 

Splash. Here's consolation, however. No, my master's 
right — he's perfectly right — 1 will not live in a world, with 
such women. I'll run alter him immediately, and if he's 
still in the same mind, I'll shatter my brains out, blow me! 

(£ait, B. 
Re-enter Maxdevillf, i. 

Mavd. I had forgotten one thing still ; as I have altered 
my mind about shooting myself, I th'nk ! had better leave my 
card with the captain, in order that he may do it for me. 
Some one comes. It is Aurelia ! 

Enter Aurelia from r. d. f. hi her female attire ; she affects 
alarm and ustoidshment at the siglu (jf lum. 

Attrel. Ah, can it be! 

Mand. What does she mean"? Right, she has heard of my 
death, and nov/ she fancies I have-come to reproach her for 
her falsehood. Let me undeceive her. — Aurelia! 

(i-erv gravelif. 

Aurel. Oh dear! look at his eyes! 

Maud. Why, what's the matter with my eyes, {rubbing 
them.) Ihink not 1 mean to reproach 'you, Aurelia. 

Aurel No, that's right, don't ; but go home again, and be 
buried decently. 

Maud. Perhaps I ought not to be here? 

Aurel. No, you ought to be laying quietly in your shroud ; 
- — oh, don't come near me ! 

Mand. 1 am not what you take me for, madam. 



THE YOUNG WIDOW. !29 

Anrel. What, a'n't you your ghost, then 1 
Maud, No, madam, I am no more a ghost than you are. 
Aurel. What, and io this your own natural body after all? 
Mand. It is, upon my soul ! 

Aurel. Well, who would have thought you could have come 
to life again, after having had three balieU through your head. 
Mand. Madam, the story of my death was all a trick, in- 
vented to put your afi'ections for me to the proof. 

A.ureL yVnd I'm sure you must have been convinced of my 

affection for you, for 1 grieved most bitterly, 

Mand. Yes, ma'am, till the captain came to dry your tears. 
Aurel. 1 couid not help his coming, and I'll send him away 
again if you like. 

Mimd, Oh no, ma'am, keep him — now you've got him. 
Aurel What, you won't have me, then 1 
Mand. Have you! if I thought my love could so far get 
the better of my reason, I would not live another hour. 

Aurel. W^ell if you won't you won't, you know; but it's 
very cruel of you. 

Mand. Cruel of me ' — no, no ; and to show how much affec- 
tion I have still remaining for you, I will offer my hand to the 
very hrst womau I shall meet. 

Aurel. What, and will you marry her too? 
Mand. Yes, T swear by all my hopes of happiness, I will, 
tho' she should prove as ugly as Satan, and as old as sin. 

Aurel. (uiide.) Ttien it will be very odd, if I can't find a 
wife for you. 

Mand. And now, madam, I have nothing more to say, than 
to bid you farewell foi ever. 

Aurel. Farewell, (aside.) But not for ever, tho'. 

[AuREi.iA enters the hed-chamher. 
Mand. So, I have seen her then, for the last time ; and I've" 
made a silly vow, too, — But no matter, now. 

Splash comes rnnning on l,. with a Bill in his hand. 

Splash. Oh, sir! sir! I've made such another discovery! 
Mand. Some new pl.ensu-e, I suppose. 
Splash. Why, sir, you must know, I began to suspect some- 
, thing ; and ever since you came in, I've been watching at 
the door. — Just now, fancying I belonged to the house, a man- 



30 THE YOUNG WIDOW. 

put this bill into my hand — read it, sir, — read it' 

Maud, (reading.) "Mrs. Aurelia Fairlove, to Henry Cross- 
stitch." 

Splash. Go on, sir. 

Mand. "A mil tary hat and feather." 

Splash. Go on, sir. 

Bland. "Item, a pair of boots and spurs,"— Very odd for a. 
lady. 

Splash. Goon, sir. 

Maud. " Item, a military coat." Stranger still ! 

Splash But, go on, sir. 

Maud, "A pair of trowsers." What is the meaning of ?U 
this"? 

Splash. Why, sir, the meaning is, what we Qusht to have 
found out some houis ago, if we had'nt been a couple of preci- 
ous ninnies, saving your presence, sir ; — but the plain meaning 
of it is, that the widow has been playing the captain herself 
the whole time, on purpose to make fools of us. 

Mand, Conviction strikes upon me. Uon't say another 
word, Splash, but take me to Bedlam at once. 

Splash. Yes, sir, and put you among the incurables} — but 
what's the matter now ? 

Maud. Uh, Splash, I'm the most miserable man that ever 
breathed ! 

Splash. Why, what have you been doing, sir? 

Maud. Listen, Splash: in a fit of jealousy and revenge, I've 
made a solemn vow to wed the first woman I shall meet. 

Splash. Then, sir, upon my soul, 1 give you up. But, no 
— I have it, sir ; contrive that the widow shall be the first 
woman you meet, and your vow may be kept without injuring 
your happiness. 

Mand. Right— right. Splash. 

Aurel. [wnhflut.] There, that will do, Lucy. 

Mand. And, foitunately, here she comes. This moment 
decides mv fate. 

Splash. Yes, st, and mine, too. 

[The chamher door opena.and Aurelia appears in a hood 
and clouky as an old icoman.] 



THE YOUNG WIDOW. 31 

";l I '■■'•«''-" 

Mand, Worse, a great deal. Why il's old Dorothy, the 
uurse. 

Splash, Then old Dorothy be hanged. 

Mand. If she's a maid, or a widow, my future bride, by all 
that's abominable! 

Splash, (i-.) Yes, sir, you're ia for it 

Mand. (c. } But I may as well come to the point at once, 
and so here goes. (To Aurelia.) Are you a maid, wife, or 
a widow 2 

Aurel. (r.) {in a disguised voice.) In truth, I am a widow, 
sir. 

Mand, (imitating her.) Ah, I thought so — I'm a happy 
man: but I need not lose any time in courtship. 

Splash. Is'o, sir; she has very little to spare, Til answer for 
it. 

Mand. Will you have me for a husband, you old hag 1 

Aurel. Yes, if you'll use me kindly : I know the duty of a 
busband. 

Mand, The devil doubt you. 

Splash. Yes, of half a dozen, I should think. 

Aurel. And, though I appear so old, i may have some hid- 
den charms. 

Mand. Your hi<lden charms must be delectable. 

Splash. Yes, sir, — don't you long to revel in 'em. 

Mand. Oh, Splash, support me, this horrible old woman has 
completed every thing. 

Splash. But it's no use taking it to heart now, sir — you may 
as well take her honie, and love and cherish her. 

Mand. Hold your tongue, you scoundrel, or I'll make 
you marry her. 

Splash. No, sir, 1 thank you, not while there's a halter iu the 
world. 

Anrel. Mr. Mandeville— Mr. Mandeville! 

Splubh. There, sii-, your wife's calling you. Throw your 
arms round her neck. 

Mand. Silence, puppy! I'll throw her iato the fish pond, 
and myself after her. 

Aurd, Why, you're not half so loving as my first husband 



32 THE YOUNG WIDOW. 

Mand. Loving, eh? Wliv, you sister of satan — you anti- 
dote to love — you bride for BelzeOub ! T hav'nt seen ycu yet ; 
but let me look at your viaegar face, that 1 rriay know the 
summit of my bliss. 

[MundeviUe pulls off the hood and discovers Aurelia. 
Aurelia! then I see it all. 

Splash. Yes, sir, — shall I take you to Bedlam, nowf 

Ma7ul. I have been outwitted, indeed. 

Splash, Yes ; sir ; — you may deceive a maid, perhaps a 
wife ; but, in future, take care how you tackle with a widow. 

Mand. I feel the justice of it, and 1 bless you for the lesson 
you have given me. 

Aurel. \to Splash.] Have you no one to give you a lesson, 
tool 

Splash. Oh, no; the lessons I received are too valuable to 
be given away. I paid a guinea for the first this morning. 

Lucy. Nevermind. Splash ; you shall have them cheaper 
for thefuture. 

Splash. Oh, bless you. 

Aurel. Then our happiness is complete, if the friends around 
us will but grant their forgiveness to the thoughtless follies of 
the 

YOUNG WIDOW. 

Disposition of the Characters at the fall of the Curtain, 

Aurel. Mand. Spl.ash. Lucy, 



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